So, how do you save your marriage when you feel hopeless, tired and hurt? Is there a way to reconstruct a broken marriage and bring back the love that once was?
Every year alone, about 2 million Americans sign divorce papers – that is about 1 million divorces every 365 days.
It’s as if every citizen in Houston, Texas were divorced. That is an alarming number and it signals that the family is an endangered unit.
The world stopped for a while when reports came that Jeff Bezos, the richest person on earth and his wife were filing for a divorce.
People went crazy on social media, trying to figure out what could have caused the richest couple alive to drift apart. Well, marital problems are common across all classes.
How many broken marriages have a chance to be saved? Can your marriage be saved? If I had the answers to these questions, I would be a billionaire, sipping champagne on a private island.
Nevertheless, I am sure of one thing; if you are willing to work on your marriage, there might be a silver lining.
However, if you sit back and feel sorry for yourself, your union might be approaching its permanent death.
Think of the happy times, when you and your spouse talked about anything and everything. The days when you couldn’t wait to see each other in the evening after work. Back when it was the two of you against the world.
Then, things started falling apart. You stopped talking, feelings of resentment rented your home, the sex came to a halt and the friendship you once had ended.
You have searched for answers but still can’t find something that works for you. So, you become sad, stressed and emotionally wrecked.
Research sho marriages that have lasted more than 25 years shows that marriage requires effort.
That is where I come in with good news for you – you can still save your marriage, even if your partner is not interested.
I can tell you in very simple steps, how you can save your marriage.
The tips in this guide are straight-forward but that does not mean they are easy. However, they do allow you to change the destiny of your marriage.
How do you know if your marriage is worth saving?
If your marriage was blissful, vibrant and respectful at one point, with the right information, the romance can be reawakened.
Here are signs that you should give your marriage another chance.
You are not sure about leaving
You might even have gone to the lawyer and have your divorce papers ready, but you are yet to input your signature.
If you keep on replaying the good memories in your head and are feeling torn about leaving, consider staying to fix things.
Your instincts and brain work together to protect you. So, if your gut is telling you to consider fixing your marriage, you are probably right.
The reason you drifted apart is other people
Is the influence of other people the reason you are calling it quits? Was the idea of a divorce introduced by someone else?
Your children are the reason there is no romance
Did you drift apart when you became parents? Studies show that transitioning into parenthood has negative effects on marriage.
You are tired, distracted and tired most of the time. Fortunately, you can overcome this challenge as long as you still have respect and love for each other.
One of you is willing to make the marriage work
Marriage expert, Dr. Lee Baucom, agrees that it is possible to save your marriage even if your partner has lost interest.
One person can inspire the other to stay and affix the marriage.
You still care for each other
Do you check up on each other? How do you react when your partner is sick or in trouble?
If you care for one another, there is a high chance that you can save your marriage.
There was a point in your marriage where all was okay
Can you remember at any point in your marriage when both of you were happy?
If there was a period in your marriage when you had romance, a solid connection and affection, there are reasons to save your relationship.
How do you save a dying marriage?
Marriage is a real institution, where two different parties come together to make a covenant.
It is just like how two countries can sign an agreement for diplomatic purposes. Things are not always perfect.
One party might have more challenges in keeping their end of the deal due to their allies, resources, will power and stability.
Thankfully, marriage is between two people and there are no ambassadors or voters to botch the deal.
That means you have higher chances of solving your problems and finding peace. Considering the following factors might help you reignite the relationship.
The myths or beliefs of your marriage
There are many myths of marriage and I get surprised by some of the things that couples believe.
Once in a while, I meet a couple that expects their marriage to flow as they have seen in the movies. Well, that is not possible. Research shows that there is a difference between a scripted marriage and reality.
Marriage is growth, we learn ón the job.’ There is no ‘marriage-angel’ to send us gifts on our wedding day saying, “here are a blueprint and tools to making things work, have fun and don’t doubt yourself.” All we have when entering a marriage are skills, we have accumulated from watching other couples.
We think that just because something works for couple A, B and C, it will work for us. Over time, these beliefs become the myths of our marriages.
The most dangerous and common myth of marriage is believing that marriage is easy.
What made you fall in love in the first place?
Take a step back into memory lane and think of all the happy times you shared.
Remembering why you found your spouse so amazing in the early days could be helpful. What things did you enjoy talking about? Where did you love going? Which activities and interests did you enjoy doing together?
Now, ask yourself, do you still have these things in your marriage?
Your perception of each other
“How do you perceive me?’’ “What do you think of my character and habits?”
When was the last time you asked your partner the above questions from a point of concern?
Have you opened up to your spouse about how you perceive them?
Perception is everything in marriage. It affects how you see each other, talk and listen to one another.
It is the clear line between action and reaction to events in your marriage.
Find a way to discuss these issues without arguing. It is wise to never ask such questions in the middle of a confrontation or argument.
One or both of you might respond in anger and what was an innocent question into a blame game.
Actions you have taken to save the marriage
Sitting back and doing nothing will not help save your marriage. You will probably end up watching your relationship fade into the past.
It is not enough to want to save your marriage, you must take action to see results.
Every day, I encounter couples who think that once they understand the problem in their marriage, it will solve itself. That is impossible.
The best thing you can do is to take action.
It is through trying different things that you figure out what works for your marriage and what doesn’t.
If you follow this guide, you have a high chance of fixing your marriage.
If other people have received assistance and saved their marriage, you can too.
Experts can offer a fresh perspective and significant advice to help you in different situations.
I can tell you from my experience, what you are going through is not unique.
I have seen other couples endure a dying marriage and come out stronger than before.
What do you do in a hopeless marriage?
If your marriage is on the rocks, it might feel like its the end of the world.
Rejection and heartbreak affect all other aspects of life including physical health, financial stability, career success and parenthood.
I often encounter people who are so hopeless about their marriages that they have lost their ‘life balance.’ To me, a hopeless marriage is a threatening environment. Divorce is a major cause of psychological breakdowns, according to a marital study by Cambridge University.
What fulfills me, as a counselor, is when I see couples who were once in hopeless marriage happy again.
I get motivated when I receive calls from clients saying that they have finally solved even the most complex of marital issues.
If you are in a hopeless marriage and are confused about which step to take next, this might help.
1. Stay positive
It is so easy to focus on everything that is going wrong when your marriage is almost over.
Most people find themselves fighting negative thoughts and feelings. Replace your pessimism with positivity.
Ignore this kind of thinking: ‘this marriage is terrible,’ ‘this marriage cannot be saved,’ ‘my marriage is over.’ Instead, fill your mind with positive affirmations like ‘my marriage will work out,’ ‘my partner and I are both human, prone to making mistakes’ ‘I live knowing that my marriage is a blessing.’
2. Take care of your physical health
It will be difficult for you to save your marriage if you are physically sick or weak.
Your body affects your brain, which in turn touches on your emotions and moods.
Eat a balanced diet, mostly of fruits and vegetables. Organic food is scientifically proven to improve emotional stability and moods.
Dedicate time to treat your body. You can exercise, meditate or take walks.
Be confident, trust that you are beautiful and worthy of love. Care for yourself and love yourself every day.
I know of couples whose primary problem was self-esteem.
What most married people fail to understand is that presence or lack-of confidence projects into the marriage.
Self-hate breeds insecurity, resentment and mistrust. Be at your best and you will be in a position to focus on other issues that you might be facing in your marriage.
4. Shut out negative influence
How many of your friends are married? Do you hang around people who have disrespectful things to say about your spouse?
What do your acquaintances think about marriage? Do you have relatives in the house who are causing a strain on your union?
Human beings are what they listen to every day. Our bodies follow subliminal signals from our brains.
Therefore, if you have friends who repeat negative things about marriage, you will find yourself doubting your relationship.
Can a really bad marriage be saved?
Marriage is the hope and belief that we can live with someone else.
It is the divine context of giving yourself to someone else; mind, body and spirit. So, when it doesn’t work, all of our energy shifts.
We experience a range of hurting emotions; we suffer mentally and the stress affects our bodies.
You may not even know how your marriage turned out so bad. With no communication, respect and connection, you might doubt whether it is worth fighting for.
Maybe, you don’t even share common interests anymore. Perhaps you still have sex, but it is a boring or distance experience with no real passion.
People need to understand that even if only one person changes, the whole marriage will change.
A shift of mindset and habits by one of you will cause a dynamic change in the entire system.
So, yes. It is possible to save a really bad marriage. However, there is one exception that all experts agree on – abuse.
Physical abuse is considered the worst-case scenario in a marriage. If a person physically attacks you today, what is stopping them from doing it again?
Is there still hope for my marriage?
I will share with you a model that can restore your marriage to its peak. It will help you nurture love again if it is only one of you who wants to reconstruct the marriage.
Just because your marriage is in a dark phase, it doesn’t mean that it is the end of the relationship or love.
The reality is that you are not the only couple going through a rough patch.
The 5 levels of marriage prove that it is typical to reach a point where the union is bland, boring and even sexless.
However, what you do during these phases will determine whether your marriage survives the storm.
If you take the time to do the necessary clean up and maintenance, your relationship will grow to the 5th stage, which is the most important.
How can I fix my marriage by myself?
It can be devastating to be the only one fighting for your marriage. It hurts to be the one begging and pleading for another chance at your union.
Still, do not let that discourage you from taking steps into working things out with your partner.
It takes two to build a marriage and only one to break things up. Take comfort in playing your part in the journey to reigniting the love in your relationship.
It is time to spring into action and you will soon start seeing a shift in your union.
Are you ready to cultivate love back into your marriage?